There is conflict in all relationships, from verbal disagreements to behavioral and cultural differences that produce stress.
The good thing is that if we can digest the fact that all people disagree and that it isn’t necessarily a bad thing, then dealing with conflicts can be a delightful part of the journey of relationships.
When I first learned that I had the right to be different, and the right to my own opinions, a whole new world opened up for me.
The only problem was that I got defensive if someone disagreed with me,
I forgot that others had the right to their own opinions too.
This directed me to understand the tendencies that produce conflict from both sides, and then to practice respecting others, as they are.
1- Power And Control:
Power and control is a weakness, a character flaw.
Needing to have power and control over your partner means that you have low self-esteem, and most likely low self-worth.
At the root of needing the power to control is “threat”
So, the best exercise to ponder over lies within locating the root of the problem.
How you are threatened by your partner or by self?
- are you afraid of losing your mate?
- or do you feel inadequate?
- are you tough around your partner but scared around others?
- do you feel your mate owes you because you are the breadwinner?
- or do you look down at your partner?
2- Each question centers into a possible root cause, for example:
If you see that you are afraid of losing your mate, then this may be the cause of your need to control, leading you to be the breadwinner.
Now, being the breadwinner makes you the man of the house, taking care of all the bills, etc making you feel like the king, however, deep down you control her that way, follow?
So, controlling to have power over the one that you love should be carefully examined with one question, WHY?
If you ponder over this with vigorous honesty, you’ll catch the futility behind control and power, seeing clearly that the need to control your mate doesn’t make sense.
Examining “fear to lose your mate” deeper, the guy who makes himself the breadwinner to control will have that fear always, and will burden himself taking it all on when both could contribute fairly.
3- Competition Control:
Competition is power and control in disguise.
You’ve probably experienced it when your partner or a friend tries to constantly correct you.
This can escalate to your mate correcting you around friends.
When it gets to a point that you are corrected plus laughed at, make no mistake, the root trouble is “threatened” thus your mate keeps a leg up against you with her supposed “intelligence”
Competition brings a feeling of superiority, and that’s fine as a motivator in general, but when it needs to be done against your mate, this is something to look into, as it will sooner or later produce conflict.
Not long ago, men couldn’t handle his wife making more money than him.
The question to ponder over is: does competition help?
4- Narcissism Control:
Selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration will cause conflicts for any relationship.
This is something to be able to spot and then get a grip.
By getting a grip means that you might already recoil by the thought of narcissism however, some irresistible sexy girls and guys suffer from narcissism.
The trick is to catch it, because the narcissistic demand for admiration can make them fantastic lovers, full of kindness, or will dress up to the T and then get narcissistic on you later.
A narcissist can make you feel awesome, but then strategically induce jealousy to meet certain goals to get what they want, boost their self-esteem, etc.
As you can see, the pattern is control which the root cause is “threatened” therefore suffering from low-esteem.
A narcissistic person patronizing, manipulating, lack of empathy, etc can be draining, because as their demands for attention increase, so does yours to deal with it.
5- Revenge Control:
Your mate is running late, so you decide to switch off your phone to pay her back, and after an hour, you make contact with an excuse.
That strategy is another way to “control”
This is another subtle method to control, and a hell of sneaky because it’s backed up behind acting.
Just like the narcissist arouses jealousy to control, the revenge type tries to teach lessons to control.
The root of this problem is a lack of courage and understanding.
It’s easier to play revenge games, then to face your mate.
This requires ways to manage life more loosely, and the courage to face things.
Do you have to pay your mate back by teaching lessons?
6- Self-Blame Control:
Examples of self-blame are being one to say “it’s ok” and shouldering the blame.
Taking the blame prevents one from being criticized and brings on a feeling of temporary control for the time being, but no control later.
The danger of self-blame is that its a low-grade response to stress and can lead one to depression.
The solution for this one is to step up to the plate, taking the blame, looking at the bigger picture, or reframing what you could do better.
Self-blame can also come from outside pressure against our desires and then pleasing others at our expense.
This is a subtle but powerful way to control which by shouldering the blame can make others feel guilty and intimately giving in.
7- Bitterness/Anger Control:
Anger is “control”
We learned it early on when dad said “go to your room” with an angry face and we ran.
Most anger is a built-in attempt to change something.
The problem is that when anger doesn’t change what you wish, the anger usually turns inwards.
Now you got suppressed anger which is the underlying cause of anxiety and depression.
Anger that is not appropriately expressed affects thinking and behavioral patterns and disrupts relationships.
Have you noticed when around a bitter or sensitive person how you end up having to watch your words and actions? If yes you are being controlled.
Control is control, and whether it’s done with charm by a manipulator or anger, it is still “control”
The best exercise for anger is to internalize:
⁃ Anger is good if expressed well, but if it causes others to change, then you have no mastery over your emotions.
Justice And Fairness:
Many women are socialized to accept male power.
If you are over 40, it may come automatically to play the man of the house, just because you were indoctrinated that way.
If you’ve examined carefully the root causes and similarities of all the character traits behind control and power, and see clearly that it’s 100% being threatened, it will bother you to control anybody or anything.
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