You met your partner in crime, and It’s the best intimate relationship ever, you live together, and all is dandy, but suddenly, things have been going wrong.
Your partner takes drugs, what the hell?
We are here to help you, but first:
An important announcement
The Blog of Friends with benefits deals with serious issues, that are very useful in regards to relationship matters.
However addiction, is a very complex matter.
So, we must warn you: everything put into this article is a guide that should be questioned, despite being written with great knowledge, and supported by documented primary sources, and medical studies.
If you suspect that your partner has lost control with drugs, it’s best to make use of what you learn in this article, and then seek professional help.
Curious Boys And Girls
To take an addictive substance for the first time, especially with the information out there today, several things need to happen:
- Curiosity.
- To fit in, seem grown up.
- To escape, rebel, deal with problems with life.
All three things doesn’t happen at once, but can.
The chances of being inflicted with an addiction is high, depending on the substance.
If you enter the escape, rebel stage, then it spells trouble.
No matter how you view addiction, whether it’s considered an affliction, a weakness, or a disease, either way its too serious to care for what it’s called.
So for the purpose of this article, we are going to use the word “addict” for all substances, including alcohol etc.
Things to do if your partner is hooked
The fact is that having a partner, and discovering that he has a substance abuse problem, is one of the greatest misfortunes that can happen to your life.
Let alone, dating someone who is screwed up with drugs, and then living with that person can be a nightmare.
An addict, will do anything to get his “fix” which he is dependent upon, and will neglect all obligations and: lye, steal, be irresponsible, miss work, an absent father, friend etc … the list goes on.
Many see addicts or alcoholics as a waste, rather than a sick person.
If the addict also consider’s himself a wasted loser, then the chances recovery is almost nil.
Sadly, the power of addiction is stronger than love, and not because the addict is incapable of loving, but because the addict is controlled by his choice of drug.
Here are handy tips, that’ll help you deal with someone who has an addiction problem.
1. Accept That You Are In A Toxic Relationship, Literally
At first, discovering that your partner takes drugs, may come as a shock, the negative feelings that will invade you are inevitable, however counterproductive.
Sometimes the addict plus the partner are both in denial which makes it a major setback.
Why deny such a thing, right?
Well, denial is a self defense, pretty much like the brain turns off or rather paints a better picture.
This type of self-deception is common, but must be overcome.
Usually, there is clear knowledge that there is a problem, however denial interferes, and pospones facing the problem.
“I’m ok” “I can stop whenever I want”
“I don’t drink every single day”
“If you had my life, you would take drugs too” are examples of denial.
When dealing with an addict, it’s important to understand, that only a sick person can lye, cheat, steel and hurt himself and others to that extent, but does love you, his addiction has him trapped.
When you doubt this fact, remember how he was before the addiction took a hold of him.
As hard as this may seem, insist upon yourself to remember the good times.
Because the addictive act itself is rooted through manipulation and self centeredness, it will be hard to see things clearly.
Hopefully after reading this article, you will gain a moment of clarity.
2. Don’t Face Him, But Rather His Problem
Getting into harsh debates is of no use, also showing disappointment doesn’t go far, and can actually fuel his using.
In most cases, most approaches makes matters worse.
The addict himself is caught in a web, and In a moments time, can promise that he will never use again, but he will, almost certainly, when the power of the disease knocks on his door.
Then he will lie, steal and cheat again, not to harm you directly but indirectly, rendering you both trapped and handicapped.
No addict solves his problem because someone tells him so, he solves it when he hits bottom.
Hitting his bottom is rather complicated, some end up in jail, institutionalized, or sick, but some hit a bottom through loses, and inconveniences.
The trick is to raise his bottom before it hits him, in a way he can see clearly, the mess that he is in.
Recovering addicts have no problem admitting that, they would have been dead, had they continued.
Addition is mind boggling, as an addict can be aware of all the pros and cons of his problem, and express the problem, and solution intelligently, while he still continues consuming, holly snap!
He is believable, because he makes 100% sense, but no longer has solid control of his brain within the grips of the disease.
3. Do Not Consume With Your Partner
Unless you want to see the both of you go down the drain, quick!
Don’t party with your partner!
This may sound absurd, but it happens constantly because people fall into thinking, that consuming with their partner may help, and that their partner may ease off, and consume only with them.
This is false and dangerous at the same time.
False, because addiction means addicted, when a person is addicted, no human power can save him.
The amount that an addict uses per day, per week or whatever depends on his level of dependance, not on him.
So it is a very bad idea to consume with him, and above all, doing drugs or drinking is always a bad idea, and may ruin you faster than him.
If your partner tries to get you on board to use, and refuses any kind of professional help, then you must break up, which is actually helping him.
4. Do Not Dramatize, Be Practical
Crying, shouting, or dramatizing his behavior is common, but doesn’t produce good results, in fact, it can fuel his addiction, and make matters worse.
Get informed about his addiction, there is a difference, an addiction to marijuana, tobacco, alcohol, cocaine, etc are not the same, although they all present problems.
Ponder this, addiction to tobacco or alcohol, are both addictions, but sadly socially excepted, not many talk about the amount of preventable deaths worldwide, as a direct result of smoking, oh no! dying of lung cancer sounds normal.
So granted, tobacco is the leading cause of preventable deaths worldwide, however minus the family problems, so easily accepted.
In the case of alcohol and drugs, things get complicated.
That is why we suggest that you inform yourself very well.
5. Don’t Think That You Can Solve It Alone
As the addiction progresses, the problem becomes impossible to solve.
Along with the addiction, the relationship reaches its boiling point, which presents a big challenge.
So then, how would you convince an addict that they have a problem?
This is an old age riddle, but according to experts on addiction, here is a little food for thought:
“The lack of awareness about addiction is usually what causes the great discomfort to the couple, since their efforts are focused only on the other person, and not the addiction. Other times there is awareness of the problem, but no concrete solution. Trying self-help methods, and making promises that can not be fulfilled, and after countless attempts, he fails again and again. For the non-user, to witness their partner being destroyed day by day, is painful, and lots of the pain comes from being powerless”
6. Attend Group Therapy – Psychiatrist – Al Anon
Group therapy like Al-Anon and psychiatrist have the experience to help, getting to the root of the problem.
The problem is not the drugs, alcohol, etc it runs deeper.
Professionals, X addicts, and co-dependent members from al anon will help you to identify the scope of the matter, and share valuable advice to deal with your partner.
In addition, they will share a new light, a new way of thinking that’ll help you to manage suffering.
Simply you will be within a group of people who has walked in your shoes, and got out of the mess, that you are presently in.
You can express all your concerns, with the surety that everyone will understand, and won’t judge you, and this is priceless.
In all the cities around the world, there many types of help being:
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
- Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.
- Interpersonal Therapy.
- Mindfulness-based Therapies.
- Psychodynamic Therapy.
- Group therapy.
- Emotion-Focused Therapy.
- Family Therapy.
You do not need to go through a GP first, just inquire with your particular case, and you’ll be lead to the right place.
As far as the addict is concerned, if he does not admit that he has a problem, then there is nothing that can be done.
Simply, he has not hit bottom yet, but this shouldn’t stop you from getting help.
The non-user will indeed suffer, so before your mental, physical and spiritual health falls into more danger, you must make one of the most momentous decision in your life: and depart from that person, which you can do safely, through the type of support you choose.
In the case you choose al anon, you’ll have lots of phone numbers so you won’t go any 24 hour period without being guided and supported.
7. You Have To Let Go
We have already spoken in other blog articles on our website Friends with benefits, about how harmful western culture embedded us into thinking what love is.
We can’t agree with the “soul mate” crap while the wife of an addict is almost homeless.
Make no mistake, people die from addiction, leaving their kids and family behind, now tag the “soul mate” idea to that!
Know this much, you do NOT need anyone to be complete.
Seeing two grandparents holding hands walking along the street is wonderful, but that admirable view, has less to do with love: what you are seeing is years of commitment, faith, compromise, respect, trust and admiration, and has little to do with “soul mate”
The most important thing about your life is you!
Love is an overused word, and destroyed when used in regards to the problems of life, love can’t fix anything but action can, and when action is taken, then love appears!
For example: after trying everything to help an addict, leaving that person may be the only way to save him, whether you still love him or not!
It’s called tough love, to you and to others, but to the addict it may mean abandonment, cruelty, until he wakes up.
Many recovering addicts with decades of sobriety, are proud that their wife threw him out, didn’t pay bond, and filed for a divorce.
Truly loving someone has no place with addiction, and if love could fix addiction, then the addict would be on his feet already, and you wouldn’t be reading this article.
8. Don’t fall Into The Vicious Cycle
An addict who is in recovery, and knows his dilemma, will want to stay away from his triggers in order to recover.
So, if you are separated, and see that he is “clean” has made advances in his life, but is asking to come back home too soon, at that moment, you have to seriously analyze and weigh out what is really happening.
Like..Is he truly in the hands of a professional or AA?
..because if not a relapse is probable.
The best bet: if you find yourself lingering with indecisiveness is to date again cautiously.
If you are already in recovery, you would not answer these questions, you would turn to your sponsor, or group who knows your case.
Also, a recovering addict will “in fact” say “sorry, I need to take care of myself” and can’t go back home, yet.
He will sound rather cold, but knows that he has to recover first before making good on anything, and this should be highly admired and respected.
The addict needs to heal, and then regaining the tools for life, and to ultimately have a defense against the first drink or drug.
An addict new in recovery, has to rebuild their entire lives, and experience a psychological revolution, in order to live a new clean life.
This you should know already, if you are in a support group.
The outcome whether a relationship can resume is yes, but both of you has to be in recovery for this to work.
Don’t think that the work ends when he stops using, the work to remain clean continues for a lifetime.
..and of coarse, if it ends, then you have to build a new life anyway.
It will be hard, but as time passes, things will be more clear.
Why is this article in the blog of Friends with benefits?
First, because addiction is a common life issue that affects relationships.
We would not be efficient, if we only concerned ourselves with dating tips.
And 2nd, because meeting someone special, and living a happy life is our business.
At Friends with benefits we like to see finding a loving relationship similar to “winning the lottery”
Our platform, is a community of open minded people, who know very well what they want, we have a preference filter that helps to match like minded people.
For example: once you type in “have a threesome” our algorithms instantly connects you with others with the same desires.
Would you like a threesome, foursome, a one night stand, or a stable relationship? No Sweat Baby!
The good thing about our system is that it’s blunt, we don’t sugar coat anything, so when people speak, things get done!
So if all this sounds good for you, and you wish to live out a fantasy that you have in mind, pop over to our site, and start meeting people for free in just minutes!
